Lets talk vampire sex

Did that get your attention? I figured some h00rs might come out of the woodwork if I were to discuss sparklepeens and pillow biting.

source

I know I'm not the first person to be disappointed with SM's non-existent sex scenes. The UST in those books is ridiculous! I wanted more, sooner, and just... more! I wanted details. I wanted kissing and groping. I wanted to feel their nervousness, excitement and arousal. It kills me that the Midnight Sun draft ended before I got Edward's perspective on their first kiss! Does that make me a perv? Maybe. Okay fine, yes.
  

Thank fuck fanfic picked up the slack!!!

(Quick note to Bill Condon: Do not, I repeat DO NOT fade to black. Doing so will be hazardous to your health. Ask Alice if you don't believe me!)

Needless to say, I have issues with how SM wrote the honeymoon...

For now I'll ignore the absurdity of Bella wanting to wear sweat pants on her wedding night... I have a hard time believing that Edward has that much willpower. La tua cantante, and all that jazz. How could he not bite her?

Next I have to say that canon Edward is a total prude. And sometimes it's the prudes who are the most sexually deviant. Yup I said it. He has to hear all those dirty human thoughts, and you know those teenage girls are all over the Edward fantasies (hmm, some of us non-teenage girls as well)!! Plus he has had to listen to the various couples in his family doing it for almost a century - and I'm quite sure they are loud and kinky at every opportunity. Somehow I just don't see Prudeward rubbing one out while listening to Emmett and Rose or while watching Bella sleep all those nights.  Or ever.  He's too uptight.

My point? Edward has to be horny. Like seriously horny.  I doubt there a "How to gently make love to your human wife instead of fucking her senseless" for Vampire Dummies at the local Forks library, or hokey hippie bookstore in Port Angeles. No wonder he's so fucking cranky.

also no source. I'm bad at this.

So let's get this straight: He's a horny, blood-thirsty, amazingly strong vampire who is experiencing a tremendous amount new emotional and sexual feelings... Seriously, how did Bella escape with only a few bruises?

I'm pretty sure, at the very least, her girlie bits ought to have been out of commission for awhile.  A long while. I'll bet those bruises would have been interesting! I've never had vampire sex, but I'm sure the after-effects would be similar to childbirth. There should not be any snorkeling or cave exploring going on... Bella should be soaking in a sitz bath with some Epsom salts or sitting on one of those little donut cushions.

OK, lets move on to temperature. Edward is cold, like marble. There's a marble bench in the lobby of my office building. Whenever I sit there I say "it's like sitting on Edward's lap." Yup, I'm a dork like that. It's fucking cold. My ass almost freezes and it's completely uncomfortable. Bella has to wrap up in a blanket while she and Edward snuggle, how friggin' cold would nekkid sex be? Frostbite, much?

So, we've established that Edward and his cock are frozen. It goes without saying that Bella's hoohah is warm (side note: holy shit, I can't believe how many euphemisms there are for vagina). If you live anywhere with a real winter, you might get where I'm going with this... I will never forget the winter's day when I stuck my tongue to the slide at the park - that hurt like a motherfucker. So when someone likened Edward's cock to a Popsicle...OMGWTFBBQ. Srsly. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Cold vampire cock + warm wet human vajayjay = fucking hilarious image I can't get out of my head!!! 

Ouch! And I thought my first time was uncomfortable.