Not that I consider this to be art

So I have no artistic talent in terms of visual art. None. I was lucky enough to be blessed with musical genes, but when it comes to creating art... well I'm pretty much useless. I use the term anticrafty. And by use, I mean made up. But whatever, I'm totally anticrafty.

I realize that art is subjective. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, different preferences. I realize that I probably have no business judging someone's work of art. But imma do it anyway.

What. The. Fuck. Is. This? 


FAIL!!!

source

No seriously. What. The. Fuck. Is. That?  Normally I look for any excuse to make fun of Jake, but this makes me feel kinda sorry for him. In fact, it's a travesty. I may think he can't act, but I do have eyes.  This is fugly. Not to mention creepy! Do people actually pay money for shit like that? I'd rather admit to having a snuggy* then own that blanket.

And I'm not the only one who sees it, right? He's totally about to whip the wolf wang out of his jorts and stroke himself.  Look at him.  There's no denying it. We've all seen them do it. Or we read about it............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ .......................................................................................................................................................................................................................... sorry, just daydreaming about fanfiction....

Oh. Mah. Gawd.  Is this someone's version of erotica? *shudders* *shudders again*

Don't want to go there.

For a giggle at another fan fail, visit Robs Closet.

I badly want to poke fun at the artists.  But then I wonder: Is my writing this blog the equivalent to bad fan art?  God I hope not. But if it is, then oh well. I don't recall making any promises about my talents.


Don't worry, the promises I made you about my talents are totally true!

* Totally not my fault. My mom gave it to me last year for Christmas. I was Horrified!

TV Week outtakes, I love you.

So I'm sitting in my hotel room, with little to do but ogle some Robp0rn. So I figured why not share.

I love the TV week outtakes, though I suppose that's no surprise seeing as I love Rob.  These pictures are amazing, and I suppose TV Week and the photographer deserve a small amount of the credit, though in all honestly the job couldn't have been very difficult with Rob as the subject!

I do believe that these TV Week outtakes have become 2010's equivalent to 2009's epic December Vanity Fair. Except that I can't just run right out and buy a nice glossy magazine with all the pictures in it for me to defile drool over.

It seems like so long ago that I first saw these

Scruff wasn't sexy until I discovered you!

Casual. Cool. Completely distracting.

Then these showed up. I can't even describe how they made me feel



Head to toe hotness

 

GAH, those legs give me dirty, dirty thoughts.

And then just when my mojo was failing, when I needed you most, you gave me these. Thanks for livening things up!

You livened things up for me, now I'd like to return the favour!

I'd rather just stay in bed, but this would be the next best way to start my day!

 

How about a little game of naughty librarian?



I've never wanted to be interrogated before. Maybe a little Basic Instinct reenactment? 

  

I can think of much more interesting things to do with that tie!!

 Obviously that isn't all of them, but I thought I'd seen them all.... Then tonight I found these.


I'm not sure what your problem is with socks, but I'd have no problem if you wanted to ditch the rest of the clothes as well.



Why so serious?

Don't worry baby, I miss you too!

What? Naughty librarian isn't your thing? Don't worry, regular table sex is fine too.

 Via

So since it's December 1st, and I can no longer deny that the holiday season has arrived.... Let's hope that more delightful treats like these are coming our way!!!! I may be on naughty-for-Rob list, but I'm pretty sure Santa isn't aware of that!

Who can I blame?

Wow, apparently I suck at blogging. This is only my 5^th post, and it’s been almost 3 weeks since my last... I’ve at least tried to keep up with commenting on all the blogs I love, do I get points for that? I obviously need some serious inspiration. I have all kinds of excuses: I procrastinate, I have a job, I have a life, I have kids, I’m lazy, holidays, shopping, blah, blah, fucking blah.... they’re all true... ish.

Who can I blame for my egregious lapse in posting? 
I’m going to blame this guy.  Maybe you’ve heard of him... His name is Edward Cullen.  Just look at him. Take a moment and just appreciate the miraculousness that is Edward Cullen.





Well HELLO there!





You had me at *walk into cafeteria*



You had me at *strut*

You had me at-oh who the fuck do I think I am kidding? You already had me!!!!!

I'll just ignore the girl and focus on those lips!!

Edward... Need I say more? Book or movie, makes no difference. I love him. You love him. We all love him. Canon Edward is the standard by which all men are now measured. Is he perfect? Hells no. He’s depressed, overprotective and jealous. But is he perfect for us? Yeah, pretty much.

My love of Edward may have started with Stephenie Meyer, but that is not where it ended. And since I can barely stomach non-Twilight books since I fell for Edward, I read fanfiction.  Lots of fanfiction.

There are endless possibilities. Possibilities I wasn’t even aware existed until earlier this year. Edward Cullen comes in many forms: Vampire or Human. Asshole manh00r or geek. Rich or poor. Whatever your preference, the Edwards share many wonderful (and some not-so-wonderful) qualities. Edward is protective and possessive. He is generous. He is a bit of a badass (well maybe not so much in the geekward stories). He may be new to love, but he does it with his whole heart, mind and body. I’ve always been a sucker (TWSS) for a good romance, and Edward always offers what I’m looking for.

So I offer you my favourite Edwards  (which also happen to be my favourite stories). These are the Edwards that keep me up all night reading, make me call in sick for work and generally make me ignore real life. I have read and re-read these, and will probably definitely read them again when I find the time (which is hard to do when your “to read” fanfic list consists of probably a hundred stories).

Emancipation Proclamation  This is what I am reading right now. Mmmmmmmmmmm Mafiaward. I am hooked.  At the moment I’d love nothing more than to devote all my time to this story.  I love the journey of self discovery that both Edward and Bella are on in this one.

Edward Wallbanger I fucking love Wallbanger. Whenever I check my email, it is in hopes of an Edward Wallbanger update. This story is rife with UST (which THANKFUCKINGGAWD was resolved this week in an equally sexy and hilarious fashion). Impossible not to love this fuckhawt, charming Edward.

Master of the Universe One of the first fanfics that I read. How could a woman not want Domward? Or to be completely and utterly submissive to him? Fifty-shades of fucked up? Yes, please.

The Misapprehension of Bella Swan Regarding the Inferior Intellect of Hockey Whores Hockeyward is HOT, like way hotter than any real hockey player ever is in real life. MoBS is definitely one of my favourites. This story is fuckhawt and LOL funny, all at the same time. If you aren’t familiar with the author, HunterHunting, please check her out. It’s definitely worth your time. Her story Clipped Wings and Inked Armor is equally excellent (Tattward is delish). As are all her one-shots.

Wide Awake This story is a little heavier. Both Edward and Bella have suffered serious trauma in their lives. It`s a far cry from the crackfic that I so enjoy, but it totally delivers on the Edward and Bella love story.

Osa Bella How can you not love an Edward that spends 52 years searching for his Bella?! This is one of the best stories I’ve had the pleasure of reading. Myg is a genius!!!

Did I miss any? I’m quite sure I did, but what can ya do?  Which Edwards are your favourite?

Laughter is meant to be shared

Part of the reason I love the fandom so much is all the laughs. I haven't had this much fun in years.

A well done spoof is rare, but a delight. As a Twilight lover, enjoying spoofs is practically a requirement. I mean c'mon, Twilight practically begs for it!

This video almost makes the Step Up 3D previews I had to endure the 7x I saw Eclipse worth it... Now if only someone could burn all the Charlie St. Cloud images out of my brain!

Harry Potter vs. Twilight: Dance Battle with ShayCarl (via Thinking of Rob


You had me at "If I asked you not to be a sullen, inarticulate, mumbling wierdo would you?"

The real reason I am not a Twilight pusher

I love the Twilight Saga. I love the books and I love the movies. I love sparkly teenaged vampires. I love them unconditionally and irrevocably. And don’t forget irrationally, because I am nothing if not irrational when it comes to Twilight.  

But I've never pushed anyone to read Twilight. And I probably never will.  Why not? If I love it so much, then surely I'd want to share it with the world....

Well first of all, I believe most of the world already knows.  I jumped onto the Twilight bandwagon pretty damn late, but I make up for my tardiness with my enthusiasm! SQUEEEEEEE!

Next is that small part of me that I do my best to ignore... the part that is embarrassed by my love for all things Twilight. I used to be a rational woman. Stephenie Meyer changed that woman when she dreamt up Edward Cullen. And then Robert Pattinson absolutely ruined her.

Let’s be honest, I’m pretty sure none of us will ever say that Twilight is the best novel ever written. We love the characters and their love story. We love the thrill of first love.  We love fantasizing about ridiculously hot boys. We love reminiscing through rose-coloured glasses.  But what we have never claimed to love is the writing. Sorry Stephenie, as much as these are my favourite books, they are not the best books I’ve ever read.

But the most important reason is this: I’m selfish.

I know it’s just a story. I know Edward Cullen is a fictional character. And I know there is enough love to go around, but there are some people that I am just not willing to share Edward with!

That means you, lady with the office next to mine. You might be one of the nicest people I know IRL, but I will not share Edward with you. I refuse.  You are not allowed love him. I forbid it. You would be his kryptonite. His magic would cease to be.  It would be the end of the world as we know it.

You have no interest in RPattz, you say? You don’t get it? I should get over it?!  Perfect. Let's keep it that way. I don't want to and you can't make me!

This also means you, mom. I know I was in full on Twilight mania when you suggested you might read it.  I practically had Midnight Sun memorized, and couldn't put it down even after reading it 4 times in a row.  My hardcover Twilight Saga Collection never made it under the Christmas tree. Same with my Twilight DVD, which I stealthily sliced open and watched every day for about 2 weeks before Mr. NotSmitten realized. Sorry mom, but there is no way in hell I will ever allow you to read Twilight. It's just too embarrassing.

The only thing worse I can imagine would be if you suddenly discovered fanfiction!

MotU

Thankfully the only thing she can discover online are annoying emails to forward.

Lets talk vampire sex

Did that get your attention? I figured some h00rs might come out of the woodwork if I were to discuss sparklepeens and pillow biting.

source

I know I'm not the first person to be disappointed with SM's non-existent sex scenes. The UST in those books is ridiculous! I wanted more, sooner, and just... more! I wanted details. I wanted kissing and groping. I wanted to feel their nervousness, excitement and arousal. It kills me that the Midnight Sun draft ended before I got Edward's perspective on their first kiss! Does that make me a perv? Maybe. Okay fine, yes.
  

Thank fuck fanfic picked up the slack!!!

(Quick note to Bill Condon: Do not, I repeat DO NOT fade to black. Doing so will be hazardous to your health. Ask Alice if you don't believe me!)

Needless to say, I have issues with how SM wrote the honeymoon...

For now I'll ignore the absurdity of Bella wanting to wear sweat pants on her wedding night... I have a hard time believing that Edward has that much willpower. La tua cantante, and all that jazz. How could he not bite her?

Next I have to say that canon Edward is a total prude. And sometimes it's the prudes who are the most sexually deviant. Yup I said it. He has to hear all those dirty human thoughts, and you know those teenage girls are all over the Edward fantasies (hmm, some of us non-teenage girls as well)!! Plus he has had to listen to the various couples in his family doing it for almost a century - and I'm quite sure they are loud and kinky at every opportunity. Somehow I just don't see Prudeward rubbing one out while listening to Emmett and Rose or while watching Bella sleep all those nights.  Or ever.  He's too uptight.

My point? Edward has to be horny. Like seriously horny.  I doubt there a "How to gently make love to your human wife instead of fucking her senseless" for Vampire Dummies at the local Forks library, or hokey hippie bookstore in Port Angeles. No wonder he's so fucking cranky.

also no source. I'm bad at this.

So let's get this straight: He's a horny, blood-thirsty, amazingly strong vampire who is experiencing a tremendous amount new emotional and sexual feelings... Seriously, how did Bella escape with only a few bruises?

I'm pretty sure, at the very least, her girlie bits ought to have been out of commission for awhile.  A long while. I'll bet those bruises would have been interesting! I've never had vampire sex, but I'm sure the after-effects would be similar to childbirth. There should not be any snorkeling or cave exploring going on... Bella should be soaking in a sitz bath with some Epsom salts or sitting on one of those little donut cushions.

OK, lets move on to temperature. Edward is cold, like marble. There's a marble bench in the lobby of my office building. Whenever I sit there I say "it's like sitting on Edward's lap." Yup, I'm a dork like that. It's fucking cold. My ass almost freezes and it's completely uncomfortable. Bella has to wrap up in a blanket while she and Edward snuggle, how friggin' cold would nekkid sex be? Frostbite, much?

So, we've established that Edward and his cock are frozen. It goes without saying that Bella's hoohah is warm (side note: holy shit, I can't believe how many euphemisms there are for vagina). If you live anywhere with a real winter, you might get where I'm going with this... I will never forget the winter's day when I stuck my tongue to the slide at the park - that hurt like a motherfucker. So when someone likened Edward's cock to a Popsicle...OMGWTFBBQ. Srsly. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Cold vampire cock + warm wet human vajayjay = fucking hilarious image I can't get out of my head!!! 

Ouch! And I thought my first time was uncomfortable. 

Holy crow, I'm blogging

So, another Twilight-themed blog? Yup.  Obsessive Cullen Disorder? Definitely (rehab not required). ROBsession? Hells yeah!

And the people in my life are tired of hearing about it...


That's where you come in. Not that anyone is actually reading this, but a girl can dream, can't she?!  And yes, maybe I'm using a loose definition for the word girl, but whatever, it's my blog.

This is my me time. Time for me to try some new things. Maybe get to know myself better. Hopefully make some new friends. Please welcome me with open arms, I don't deal well with rejection.


This Rob drought was painful. I'll admit it, my mojo has been failing. It's subtle, but I still feel it. And I don't like it. At. All. So I decided now is the time. No more procrastination. Less talk, more action (twss). Must. Reclaim. Mojo.

And then today, after what felt like forfuckingever, it happened....  we have outtakes! Really hot outtakes!! Ridiculously motherfuckinghot outtakes!!!! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
  

 

What was I saying? Couldn't have been important. This face takes priority.  

  

I don't know how much more fondness my bits can take, so lets just end this drought now.

     

Thanks to fanfic, all I can think of are the dirty things we could do to each other on that desk.

Totally one of the reasons I've started sneaking cigarettes again.
 

Is it possible for me to be both dead and tingling at the same time?

via TwiCrack Addict

I know I'm not the only one who feels it. Things are just better when he's around. Outtakes, interviews, smiley drunk videos, whatever.

So thank you Robert Pattinson. Bless your bedroom eyes and chiseled scruffy jaw.  You make me smile, you make me laugh. You have inspired me, and not just in dirty ways! You've made me realize that even though I lost myself somewhere along the way, now is the time change that.

And thank you new outtakes. Mojo levels have risen dramatically. I feel alive. I feel energized. I feel happy. 

And now all is right with my world.